*Monday, April 25, 2005*
lately.. i've been coming back frm DNA.. Church and feel juz like crying... like... i dunno... i thot moi burdens were taken away during church... but i end up feeling like i carried more than b4... today was bad... like... in the state lib... 12.30-3pm.. i felt tt... i was ready to give up on chem... though fears for chem were not as bad as psych last yr... but i cld almost feel tt horrible fear coming back...
was thinking... when did all tt fear start to appear.. once.. i talked to kor abt it.. and mayb he said... was coz of moi dad.... mayb... mayb he did affect me a lot... i prob still live in that shadow of experience... fears of being in any relationship... fears tt ppl close to me will juz go and i'll neva say "i love u"... fear of disappointing mom... kor.. my family... myself.. and of coz being a bad child of God... ,ayb tts when reality hit hard... too hard at tt time... sometimes... i feel tt when God blesses... satan hits hard too... i feel like im in this spiritual battle all this while... its amazing i haven tried to kill myself literally frm sec 1-3... 5 yrs... living in tt hell of an experience.. finally letting it go.. but wif all tt fear still in me... i wonder y.... y i let it haunt me... y i let it come between God and me...
in primary sch... tt particular church camp... pri 4 or 5.... tt particular youth pastor... tt particular message.. "u will b a help to the needy.. orphans..." i finally understood tt today... like it hit me hard... Russel was saying tt we were to recieve burdens of the lost from God... i didnt feel any on the count of ten... no names... frm God.. but frm me... but i felt tt hit... tt realisation... wat i haf been doing all these yrs... i've been helping fds... fds fds... giving advice to those i dunno of... tts the needy... wat abt orphans i ask God... lots and lots of tears.. lots and lots of qns... finally a realisation.... God has provided me wif strangers...
the feelings and emotions of ppl i do not know... y i feel so sensitive towards ppl's feelings is an amazment... almost scary... like.. emotions are transparent b4 me... like... y ask me abt advice abt love when i've never been in one? y ask me advice on experiences i haf neva heard of but can place myself so easily in their shoes... tts for being oversensitive... super analystic... its crazy.... but i wonder... had God placed that gift so early.. so young... for me to discover and become tt person hu was given 5 talents and went away to gain another 5 more.. mayb...
doing anything for God is neva easy... no way!!! but.. its thru all those trials tt God is seeked... how dad got sick... how the whole family started going to church... how my parents accepted Christ... wat dad's wish was... how God slowly appeared in our lives....
i so remember... the day i got my memory back... the day i opened my eyes to face the world... the day reality all made sense... the day God gave me a wake up call to stop living in a happy-go-lucky life... but a life tt needed effort...
ling long picked a waterdrop @ 4:46 pm
