sometimes the unexpected turns out to be what He sees your heart to be made of

*Tuesday, May 03, 2005*

wat really counts? being needed.. or wanting to be needed? erm... sometimes.. things go wrong.. they feel wrong.. and i feel like carp b'coz of them..
wat went wrong today? sometimes... ppl get their hopes too high up.. i do.. i did.. i underestimated wat i cld do, and wat i wanted to do...
all last yr.. some1 kept telling me... "meiling!! u r so gonna play the electric in the band for our yr 12 concrt next yr"... wow.. amazing... i was definately excited.. yupz.. haha... im being really sarcastic now... i mean.. yah.. im happy tt some1 was excited abt me playing more than i was.. but not when this yr came n u get excited abt nothing..
i stick now to the fact tt "if u need me, ask, else.. im not even gonna turn up for any practice tt im not needed in"... sure im pissed.. pissed tt i gave the wrong hopes up to the wrong cause... i've got my own performances to worry abt.. n i dun haf to wait till im needed... i've offered and its up to some ppl to accet tt.. else... they've got more than enuff ppl to organise and get their way ard...
i felt like crap today... sitting there... not knowing if i was really needed.. "yah meiling.. sure u can play"... definately... im not sitting there waiting nemore... nope... no more... if im not involved in a band... im happy to put in all moi effort towards the international students' performance...
i feel different nowadays... yes.. true.. lots of spiritual battle sometimes... lots of time where i juz wanna give up... but im moving... im moving on... trying not to get the horrible side of me up... its not a crime to b angry...
i cld haf easily given up totally.. get affected.. discouraged.. totally let go of everything.. but i realise something diff... i was angry... yes i was.. but i was calm to a certain extent... very disappointed... but not totally given up on performance... i know tt besides playing in a band.. i wanted to do a little dance.. a little singing... and i now tt i can do tt whole heartedly... well.. if i cant do both.. i can do one... and do it well...

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 2:02 pm

Comments:

i'm only correcting this for the sake that you don't have marks cut off for english VCE.

it is definItely, not definAtely.

sigh, remember what pastor russell said. are you going to be the one who does things, yet yearns the appreciation?

cheer up. and i hope lit went well.

oh, and thanks for your prayers for that essay. the first of my 4 essays. the first day of your holiday - remember how that night i had nothing, and the next day i was still editing it?

GOd really is a gracious and mighty God. i did what is considered well in uni standards. horrible in Trinity standards. but yups, since i'm in Uni, i thank and praise God for blessing me with good results for that essay.

# posted by

sarahannek : 11:24 pm