*Monday, November 07, 2005*
reading blogs on my list.. and felt at the end.... a bout of homesickness...
mum's going back next sun... exactly a week frm today.... duno wat to say, except tt her stay was way too short... too short.. i mean... 1 mth.. for my exams.. and 2 days to spent wif her.. tts like so not enuff... but oh wellz... its even greater tt she's missing moi 18th by 2 WEEKS AND MY FAV COUSIN'S GOING TO M'SIA WIFOUT ME AND MISSING MY 18TH!!! so yah.. well.. tts abt it...
haha.. not really... someone once asked me... wont i feel lonly when eveyone's gone by jan and im still stuck here in melb waiting for my results?.. the ans: i dun really wanna think abt tt right now...
exams exams... the fact tt im not dow wif depression is a gd sigh, yet the fact tt im not uptight abt it is a miracle... though tears do come on a continuous basis... im not thinking abt my enter right now, except for the fact tt it costs a lot... $$ wise... so.. i really wanna start working when i can and help pay for uni...
sometimes... i really think abt the $$ spent on me, and the $$ rolling in.. i dunno wat the ratio is... but all i know tt for a family wif "no breadwinner"err... tts a bit on the edge... my mum "earns" her $$ by "listening to God" for advice on something which im not planning to mention * cheeky* and my bro... well.. lets juz say... his $ is mostly my mum's as well.. get da hint? so now.. hhaa... im kinda in the mood of juz hecking uni and working till i can pay uni off by myself.. but tt wld mean more $$ needed.. so might as well study and work at the same time..
i dunno where God will lead me... but i do know that i having this continuous dreading feeling tt always seems to be 98% accurate, tt i might not get the enter i'm kinda aiming for moi 1st preference... unless God reveals a plan and a miracle, im kinda stuck in moi almost "depressing state".... sigh... feel like juz "dying" in His presence right now, and emerge a newborn... isnt tt the whole point,to "kill" one's old self everyday, to emerge a newborn to carry on the rest of the day? really wanna grasp onto Him and never let go, yet y do i feel like im constantly not letting Him in?
the barrier tt prevents Him frm coming in and putting His comfy arms ard me is beginning to go up and it has to come down asap.... God.. im gonna pray for a breakthrough today in church... argh!!! help!!!!
ling long picked a waterdrop @ 4:21 am
