sometimes the unexpected turns out to be what He sees your heart to be made of

*Tuesday, August 30, 2005*

day in day out, when i try to set my heart on something, i've got something else to do... argh!!!
God.. pls give me focus!!!
9 days of term left.. 1 mth of sch left... common gurl... i can do it... i need to neway..
no running away unless i intend to do badly... argh!!
uni peferences r killing me... argh!!!!
oh wells... argh argh arh!!! sacs sacs and more sacs.. stupid chem... so many... wanna finished all at one go...
finished eng, 1 more for maths, 2 more for lit, 4 more for chem.. wa piang... so many!!!!

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 2:04 pm

*Monday, August 29, 2005*

at church this evening, during worship... we sang a few songs and when Pstr Russell made the females and males sing at different times of the same chorus and finally together again, it felt so.... awesome.... it was like.. soprano then altos and finally the beautiful voices of choir... and it was like a moment in time that i felt like it was the Hevenly choir singing to God... so amazing.. so peaceful, so quiet when we stopped singing and juz cried out to God...

juz tt afternoon, sanne and i had a chit chat on optus... hhaa. free calls... but anyway... we were juz chatting abt how diff we wld feel when we go back to our own churches... its like.. i dunno.. sometimes.. we feel like tt passion we feel in City Church differs so much from that in Spore... as though... we were moving at different rates in diff places.. tt we move so fast forward here, that the rest of our church friends back home seem.... slower?

how do we feel when u go back? the atmoshere different... the passion maybe less... how we feel so attached in Melb tt Spore feels like a holiday.... do our friends leave church because they no longer wanna grow or because they rather seek another place to move forward in? i've always wondered what made our youth group go their different ways... when i go back.. i feel like a stranger who tires to bring peace once in a while, when i cant feel anything wrong, yet something exists...

well.. prob worrt abt tt later.. goal right now is to keep moving forward...

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 3:16 pm

*Sunday, August 28, 2005*

juz finsihed posting my blog entry and God comes wif a comfort.... how amazing...

Many Christians have to be lovingly roughed up before they will grow up. Although the heavenly Father never allows His children to suffer needlessly, sometimes He lets them experience hard knocks so they'll become mature believers.
The need for "bad weather" to stimulate growth can be seen in nature. Scientists say that the seeds of some desert bushes must be damaged by a storm before they will germinate. They are covered with hard shells that keep out water. This allows them to lie dormant on the sand for several seasons until conditions are right for growth.
When heavy rains finally come, the little seeds are carried away in a flash flood. They are banged against sand, gravel, and rocks as they rush down the slopes. Eventually they settle in a depression where the soil has become damp to a depth of several feet. Only then do they begin to grow, for moisture is absorbed through the nicks and scratches they picked up on their downhill plunge.
Similarly, difficulties may be needed to wake up a sleeping saint. This may hurt for a while, but if we yield to the Lord we will find that life's bruises can mark the beginning of spiritual advances. We may prefer to remain "seeds," but He wants us to become "fruitful trees." —Mart De Haan
Should Thy mercy send me sorrow, toil, and woe,Or should pain attend me on my path below,Grant that I may never fail Thy hand to see,Grant that I may ever cast my care on Thee. —Montgomery
There are no gains without pains.

Hebrews 12:1-11
God Disciplines His Sons 1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 7:44 am

how easy is it.. to juz speak out, and not do anything, to set goals, but yet neva take the initiative to reach out to get it done...

everyday, i sit in sch, and wonder what it wld be like if i was a hardworking girl, who did my homework b4 i sat down in front of my comp to relax... soon.. will haf to fill in preferences, and the fear of not getting into a course overcomes me...

arts, media n comm, teaching... these are the paths i've got down to and hope to pursue... wld like very much to haf a job where i can fulfill my interest of sitting down and watching ppl act, for reading scripts and correcting them to fulfill the naivity of girls out there.... arts.. is that what i really wanna do? teaching?? media n comm?? Tv and production? psychology? counselling? business? HR? organising? is there a job tt fits all? tt is made juz for me?

it all comes down to what is right for me.. what is suitable for me... i always wondered.. if i spent abt 30 mins to 1 hr wif God everyday, juz speaking out to Him, telling Him how i feel abt everyday life, wld tt deepen my relationship wif Him? am i really running after God?

because i always look at the final product before starting wif the materials, i stress too much when challenges come my way... writing my blog had allowed me to see clearly my fears, and my weaknesses....

i dun wan to be compared wif my family.. i wanna do something tt i will be proud of, and no matter how "unclassy" or even "unprofessional" in sounds compared to a lawyer, an accountant, or even a doctor, i wanna be it coz its what drives me...

will You be proud of me even if im not as good as them? even if i dun score as high, or even go as far? will You love me still? if it wasnt to please You, i wld haf given up long ago... very very long ago...

2.15pm... 2.30pm... 2.40pm... when am i gonna start? haiya... starting now... im ready!!!!

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 7:41 am

*Wednesday, August 24, 2005*

ul1000 was such an amazing eye opener for a lot of us at church... wed night, we had abt 120 names on our guest list, now where near our 150 mark, or even EeLin's challenge of 200 ppl.. yet as we prayed... names kept coming in. 190 bages were made for ul1000, but by tt night, we didnt haf enough!!! regulars who bought theirs had to start taking it off and giving them away.... we counted almost 210 ppl coming in!!! amazing....

post ul1000 on fri night-sat morning... tt was super amazing... everyone had reflections and we cld feel each other juz growing so much together as one under "EeLin's Urban Life".. and it was amazing... sanne and I shared "God's family" and most reflections were how.. each and everyone were really like a family to us, to share, to care, to love, to encourage.

discipliship was great... had briefing abt what kind of stuff we needed for mamak night wif 1000 guests.. and how college sq2 wld like us to be organising the welcome dinner as ul1000 came up wif one of the biggest grp of ppl to step into college sq... lot of breakthroughs.. and really praying for a good venue for melb uni, to get into union grps in every uni...

some one mentioned that because we are marching forward, like soldiers with shields protecting us, the enemy tries to look for holes which he can shoot through and because when one of us is down, the unity scatters. i felt like the devil was hitting us right at moment...
that morning, we were told that Matt's mother passed away during the night, and i felt that it was the devil, poking at our stronghold, finding holes. we prayed that night, and as we held hands, i prayed that God strengthens Matt, and not let him be weakened coz if our leader weakens, so will the rest of his follwers.. the devil is crafty, to start, but we have won the battle, and will carry on marching forward. the devil may find our weaknesses during the week, and he found mine yesterday, but i pray that he will never get into our stronghold, and never take us away from our unity.

haf this urge to cry... dunno y.. but i feel so emotional now... the whole day, its as if i need to burst, but dunno how to.. its so strong a feeling that i feel that the devil tries so hard now to get rid of us, to get rid of our strength and faith, because we are advancing so much... its scary.. and its weighing my heart down... its like a warning signal God places in my heart to warn me that because we are growing so united and so much in Him, the devil will try to destroy our friendships and our sense of family...

for all u reading this... to my brothers and sisters in Christ.... let us not carry anger or dislike in our hearts, but let us discuss and pour out unhappy thoughts that we haf abt one another and solve it as the enemy knows how to make use of this and turn it against the will of God...

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 9:20 am

*Saturday, August 20, 2005*

after last night and this morning's "ordeal" of repeating my testimony twice, once to Bonnie, Sanne, Stella to find courage to tell Scott, i went home, still asking myself why i'm chossen. I'm worried tt i'll not feel it's effect, and tt neither wld our guests. I'm held back by the fact tt ppl r gonna noe me a lot more at one go instead of slowly and some of these ppl whom i've neva met, neva heard of b4 wld suddenly noe so much abt me...

today, woke up early, even though i had abt 5 plus hrs of sleep.. and really felt... wobbly.. really heart beating 10 times per sec kinda feeling... and still asking God wat i was supposed to do, and how Scott and i were gonna go through the "interview like" process and whether it was the kinda way God wanted me to start off my testimony...

went online... and suddenly saw o many verses tt God wanted to show me... like encouragements i copied frm the daily bread website over the mths and even as i did the daily bread online, God was saying all the way tt they wld indirectly hate Him, if they hated me.. and i feel.. right now... transparent.. coz God sees everything...

John Chapter 15
26"When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. 27And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.

so many times these 2 days, i qn ppl ard me and i qn God why im the one... and everyday diff ppl tell me wat a powerful one it wil be... i finally found out why i was so scared... its none of the above reasons at all... i was scared coz i was worried tt my testimony might not haf been the one God wants me to share.... i was afraid of giving the wrong one, and not going according to God's will. i was afraid of sending the wrong message across and shooing ppl away at the end, instead of bringing them closer to us... both Brodie and I...

God often meets our deepest need

With help we gain from others,

From caring members of His church

—Our sisters and our brothers.

—D. De Haan

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. —Galatians 6:2

"The final test of the Christian scheme comes from trying it out in one's life, testing the promises the scheme tells us God has made, following in the way enjoined on us by the church, and seeing whether it leads to the new life of the Spirit."

Don't think that because you aren't a philosopher or a scholar that you can't be an apologist. You can bear witness to the truth and power of the gospel. Your life can be your own best argument—your best defense of your faith in Jesus Christ—to anyone who asks why you believe.

So put your faith into practice. Let people see the difference Jesus makes. —Vernon Grounds

O that my life may useful be

As I serve Jesus faithfully;

And may the world see Christ in me

—This is my earnest prayer.

—Hess

People will listen to you carefully if they see you living faithfully.
Be aware that someone's watching

As you go along your way;

Your example is remembered
More than anything you say.

—Hess

There's no better sermon than a good example.
Some will hate you, some will love you;

Some will flatter, some will slight;

Cease from man, and look above you,
Trust in God and do the right.

—Macleod

Love in return for love is natural, but love in return for hate is supernatural

God Loves us

all the encouragements tt i felt speak to me over the mths as i went on the daily bread website, it all screamed out at me this morning, all at 9am in the morning...

Evermore album speaking to me... through all its worship songs... God is saying... its time.. its time to do what He has called me to do... its time for tt insignificant feeling out.. its time to let all the feeling inside me be put to use... the same message tt has been playing inside of me since last sunday night, tt when a little boy gave 5 small barley loaves, Jesus multiplied and feed thosusands... God is saying tt He might not feed the thousands in nos. but in spirit... our guests mights not reach thousands... but His power will reach out to our hundred just like it reached out to those thousands years ago...

fellow urban lifers... God is with us today and tomorrow, and everyday of the week, as we ourselves become a living testimony for God. as we become a light tt shines for the nations, God's love will shine upon us... and we will shine through, and let darkeness lift this week, as SueLynn had seen few days ago... Lets do it this weekend peeps... God is ready and so are we..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 2:43 am

*Tuesday, August 16, 2005*

had a lot on my mind last night, wanting to focus on church, and of coz my sch work, and inviting ppl to ul1000...
woke up early sunday morning and practically had to push myself to do devotions and im glad i did. felt God's presence in my room and felt i had to cry out to Him for a lot of help...
went to church few hours later and during offering, hearing Matt speak, well.. it was one of the rarest times i had a "break" to listen and i was on the verge of tears... talking abt God seeing our significance though we may feel so small... how God knows our abilities and how though we doubt oursleves, God still focusses on us to give our all, our best. though what we can offer may seem small, God will extend it, so much that it becomes a record in our book of "histories".
juz felt like God was replying me from my qns during my qt wif Him, felt tt God was asking me to give a little bit of my time to Him everyday and He will do wonders. feeling really stressed right now, and though i still cant seem to find a suitable lit critic after 7 hrs of research on books, internet, libraries, God still says.. "come to Me and I will give you rest"... so.. guess tts what i'll do... haf a bit of sing song to God and really pray for miracles right now...

God... i know You see and hear us, everyday, every hour, every second we cry out for Your help....

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 11:47 am

*Saturday, August 13, 2005*

i sit at home the whole day, and realise i haven done any work except read my lit critics and look at my eng biography. oh dear.. time's really passing me by.

did i mention how much i hate lit? did i mention why i still dun understand why i took chem? yah.. my uni yr 1 ex sch mate asked me this on the train home few days ago, why i took chem if i wasnt gonna do science.. and i told her i think i made a mistake taking both lit and chem.

i like media stuff.. i love reading stories online and downloading shows. i feel like i wanna work on programmes for tv and stuff... not being someone on tv, or even a journalist. i wanna be someone behind the scenes, thinking abt shows to air, storylines to produce. i like to use my imagination and creativity more. i dun wanna sit in an office all day long and treat ppl. i dun wanna sit all day long and listen to ppl's troubles. i wanna haf a practical session wif ppl. tts my passion now. i can wtach shows and shows all day long and juz analyse them. i can critise actor's acting and say what should be better or why lighting is like this. this is what i wanna do, but is tt wat i'm called for? the entertainment industry isnt as simple as i hoped it was. but i still wanna do wat im interested in. aiyayaiyaya... i haven filled in my uni application.... how ah?

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 8:57 am

*Friday, August 12, 2005*

juz decided to do my qt on the daily bread, and had an inspiration to post my after thoughts here. talking abt the things we pursue that we find meaningless, i realise tt God reminds me of what my heart sees in ppl around me. i remember, a good friend in sch once commented "her blog is so boring. everything is about God, God and God". hmm... duno how i shld feel... happy or sad? happy tt she realise tt my blog contains a lot of my personal experiences, sad tt it wasnt that which attracted her to read further, yet i wont stop, because of an encouragement that XinYuan said on Sun, that it was through my influence that led her closer to her acceptance of God.

sometimes, we face difficulties of bringing our unsaved friends to church. sometimes we ask God to help us show them that God is great is He is our everything. yet sometimes, we fail to realise that God has already opened the eyes of our friends around us, and all we need to do is step into tt doorway which God has provided, which has no door. can u imagine this, a door way built without a door?

God opens paths in our lives, yet he doesnt build doors, so as to disallow us or even Himself from closing tt doorway of opportunities and all blessings. isnt our God wonderful?

last night, i cried out to God, to see the desires of my heart. this morning, He healed wounds that were deeply scarred. our God works in amazing ways... ways we dun see coz our circumstances blind us from having tt vision.

God allows tests in our lives for us to grow and to mature, to step up another level in our faith.

to You so high above.. thank You for all You've done in my life.

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 1:28 pm

*Thursday, August 11, 2005*

to u i seeked approval
to show tt i was worth it
when i did wat i did
i knew it was gonna hurt
i pressed on coz i thot it was right
but u proved tt wat i felt inside
was wat God was reminding me
silently tt i shld care
tt i shld remember
tt part of my heart
which went out to u

i questioned myself abt the real me
and He showed me last nite
tt He saw how i cared
n showed me tonite
tt u cared a lot too

the leaving out wasnt me
the doing-for-u was

i wanna let u noe
tt no matter how many new fds i make
no matter how much time i spent wif them
u are always on my mind
coz u are the blessing
God has so kindly provided me wif

thru our many ups and occational downs
we grew, not only in Spirit but in strength
tt we showed we cared
for one another

though sometimes u feel rejected
though sometimes u feel left out
i wanna say tt im sorry
sorry for being the one who placed it in u

our friendship has gone through tides
let not troubles wash it away
like waves washes the sand in
so does it throw sand out

i love u like the sister i neva had
i care for u juz as u r by my side
no more lit letters
tt was all in the past
now we are older
more mature
definately closer

wld u rather believe tt i told u
right out of my mouth
tt i forgot abt u?
or wld u believe
in my sms
tt i really thought abt u
yet circumstances didnt change?

wld u believe tt the real me
sees ur heart inside out
when it comes to situations like this?
God has given me this gift
of seeing pain coz i've experienced worse
i dun feel any worse
coz the worst is in the past
but its almost there
coz a sister like u
doubts the acts i do
pls tell me u'll forgive
coz i dun wan ur urderstanding

is tt how u see me?
wat is the real me to u?
can we ever move forward?
or wld u rather scorn?
the devil tries to pull us part
r we giving in?

i dunno wat kind of feeling u read this wif, but if the hurt's blinding u frm wat im trying to say, i dunno wat to do.
i dun need u to feel guilty or even feel tt im putting on an act. i dun wan u to "understand" coz its "ur fault and u've gotta get used to it". tts not wat this entry is abt. cant u see wat im trying to do, tt i dun wanna go back to wat we used to do. i wan us to move forward, together coz tts wat we were here for. do u noe tt i understand, tt i've been shown how u feel, coz i felt it, since 2 hrs b4 u called 2 nites ago. wld u believe me if i told u tts God's gift to me, to be able to predict and to feel any emotions b4 it happens?
u r more impt to me than any1 i've met this yr. every1 i befriend is impt in my heart, but u noe how i cheerish u becoz of time, n bcoz i cannot loose u coz im too scared to.. once, i didnt cheerish the time i cld spend in tt hospital room... then, i promised never to make tt same mistake. are we gonna let go now? i didnt see it coming, but i felt it the night beore it happened.

im sorry. i really am. other than tt, i dunno wat else to say, bcoz i've known u long enuff to see wat's coming, if i go on any further. i miss u, and the times we spent together.

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 3:03 pm

*Tuesday, August 09, 2005*

always asked myself this qn.. how much can we do.. how far should we go? why should we go tt far for someone we know is gonna hurt us and not be grateful for the help? shall we seek selfishness, ignorance, and be hard abt the ppl we care for? this stinks, it hurts, im sick of it....

should stop, should focus on piorities, should start thinking abt inwards and not outwards... a big hint to me and all out there.. enuff is enuff, not doing any more than i should... kill me if i do...

do we seek approval? from God? from men? from friends? isnt all God what we need? am i real? am i who they see me to be? really wanna leave right now... mayb then, i will know hu i really am... coz then, the pain and hurt will harm me no more, n i can leave in peace... mayb tts what i'll do.. a change of environment will be so good, so sufficient for me now...

is this what we need? am i the only one who feels this way?

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 4:57 pm

*Monday, August 08, 2005*

Actually didn’t wanna blog on this… but I needed to express this joy and excitement in my heart tt is beginning to let tt fire in me burn more passionate than b4… I wanna pray first of all tt this fire may never ever cease to burn in me..

Where do I start frm.. prob wont say much abt the beginning, except tt after reading PeiJet’s email tt someone kindly decided to sponsor urban 1000 wif an ipod shuffle, I felt deep inside God telling me tt I could do something to bless some1, and I did yesterday morning… in obedience to Him… and guess what!!! It so happened tt yesterday morning, some1 slipped some $$ onto PeiJet’s seat in Planet Worship in help of Urban 1000!!!! Talk abt double wow!!!!!!! Newaz…yah… so after obeying wat God had so strongly placed in my heart, I was kinda hesitating whether it was right to expect something from Him… I did mention slightly to God tt I didn’t mind if God blessed me back in return wif answering a desire in me, but didn’t think much after tt..

Wednesday or Tuesday after sch, I felt tt I needed to invite XinYuan, or Elsie to my bt urban 1000 and she gladly agreed to come… and somehow I had this impulse to invite her to church this week and she agreed!!! I mean.. I was kinda shocked coz I’ve never had such a confident agreement so fast thru sms k.. so it was like… “God what are You doing” kinda mentality I had in my head.. hhaa

So newaz… XinYuan came to church last night… and I was praying for no language barrier and tt she would understand the songs we sang and tt though she didn’t bring her glasses, she would be able to hear and understand… but no, God didn’t listen to me… She COULD see clearly.. and I found out only after the service that she could see clearly and she was too soo shocked coz in lecture, if she sat in the FIRST row without her glasses, she was still unable to see!!!!!!! I didn’t even realize she was singing throughout the service, but she was jumping… and I was shocked coz I was expecting a cultural barrier…

After Henry had spoken, I was looking at her and I didn’t see her raise her hands, so I asked her whether she wanted to go when ppl stood up, she rejected at 1st, but after Juni who was sitting next to her told her some stuff, she got up and well… walked down tt aisle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 6:14 am

*Wednesday, August 03, 2005*

i wonder, how many times i haf sincerely asked for forgiveness or accpted one with all my heart? sometimes... i ask myself... y do i do stuff for others.. and not feel happy abt it... sometimes in sch... mayb in other areas of my life... and i ask God... how much should i go.. to measure how much i've done and how i shld be rewarded for it... and God is sooo amazing...

He brought me to our daily bread's website, and the devotion for today was on forgiveness, and how in Luke, the parable of the lost son... the father was able to clothe his son because his son was willing to work even as a hired hand juz to eat...

i should not pressure myself into doing more than my best... coz in the end, God shows me tt all i become is someone bitter, and unwilling to do anymore... i should be enjoying the blessings He has provided me and not frown at them... what a reminder!!!!

yesterday marked the beginning of uni course selection.. and im still wondering what i can do and what God wants me to do.. and it came to my mind y i still dun mind trying out for Psych when i hated it last yr.. and why media and comm sticks in my head though i hate journalism (write so much for what?).. and i realised tt one weakness i haf is tearing myself away from tw entertainment shows and even idol series.. and i thought.. it wldnt be tt bad to be a script writer or even come up with programmes within a channel... for ppl to enjoy, to laugh, to learn abt, to gain experience from, and def mature in skills and areas of their lives...

i pray tt i may be able to seek God's help constantly and even now, as time is crucial, and as subject selection days draw closer to an end, i may be able, with God's guidence, to put down 12 choices of His will....

i like to say a big thank you to all out there... for ur smses, ur encouragements.. and even though sometimes i may tell u tt i haf ill feelings abt some1, or even u may b tt some1.. i thank u for tt experience, which makes of friendship stronger after that friction days...

ling long picked a waterdrop @ 3:04 pm